Worst Family Guy Episodes (transcript)
This is the dialogue in the video, Worst Family Guy Episodes. *''screen shows a shot of Stewie and his future self from "Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story", with words that read, "Warning: This video contains some violence and offensive scenes." and "Family Guy is owned by Seth MacFarlane, David Zuckerman, 20th Century Fox and Fuzzy Door Productions."'' *'PhantomStrider:' Note the disclaimer! *''and Ernie the Giant Chicken are falling down into a wooden wagon, while the Wilhelm Scream is heard.'' *'PhantomStrider:' It's time to look at the darker side of Family Guy. I stand by the opinion that Family Guy ''has some '''brilliant '''episodes; some of them are real classics that have redefined our standards of comedy animation. *and Ernie the Giant Chicken fight while, similarly to Back to the Future Part III, the DeLorean connected to the train exits to present day.'' *'PhantomStrider: '''But, there's some ''Family Guy ''episodes that have been... BAD''! *'Lois Griffin:' No matter, what you do for the rest of your life, you'll always be garbage! *''knocks out woman.'' *'PhantomStrider: '''And I mean 'just AWFUL!' *tries to imitate Scrooge McDuck's high dive into the coins, then breaks his bones in the process.'' *'PhantomStrider: '''These are the episodes that get me at my very core of anger for just how low brow and 'cruel 'they can be. Anti-intellectual speeches, horribly violent scenes... *'Peter Griffin: Hey, Joe, open your eye. *''gets shot in the eye by Peter and screams in pain.'' *'PhantomStrider: '... infanticide... *'Lois Griffin: '''I put Stewie in the oven a bunch of times. *'PhantomStrider: '...school shooting jokes... *couple of teenagers get shot.'' *'PhantomStrider: '...domestic violence? Maybe I'm alone on this, but I find it really hard to laugh at some of these concepts! Some of these themes look like they belong in a horror show more than an animated comedy show! With that being said, if you like these ''Family Guy ''episodes, good for you! It's just my personal opinion, and purely comes down to personal taste. Just a quick warning that this list does contain more violence and offensive scenes than usual. So if that sort of thing bothers you, you may wanna skip this one. So, without further adieu, let's look at are, in my opinion, the ''Top 10 Worst Family Guy Episodes of All Time''! #10... *#10: Love Blacktually (2008; Season 7, Episode 1)' *'PhantomStrider:' Here's an idea! Let's watch a straight 20 minutes of an ugly break up! Doesn't that sound like fun!? This episode 'has 'to be on the list because it is the episode that '''began' the tidal wave of bad Family Guy ''humor! The episode starts off with... 3 minutes(?) about telling us a politician's wife killed someone... *'Lois Griffin: Laura Bush killed a guy. *'Peter Griffin: '''Laura Bush... *'PhantomStrider: '... jeering at Joe's handicap, calling a woman a c— even I won't say that... *'Brian Griffin: 'Yep, with a capital C. *'PhantomStrider: '... and wraps the first three minutes with the sounds of Domestic Violence mixed with Dr. Seuss. I've never seen a show so effectively crap on so many otherwise decent concepts in the space of 3 minutes. The rest of this episode is basically about Brian feeling bad for not jumping his new girlfriend on the first date, because Cleveland is laughingly sleeping with his new girlfriend. *'Cleveland Brown: ''with girlfriend. We good, Brian. We good. *'PhantomStrider: It teaches young, impressionable minds it's bad not to immediately jump into sex in a relationship. And if you don't, "you're gay, and your girlfriend will leave you." Isn't that great logic? It's just... a very '''sore, unpleasant episode. And if you're still with me, let's press on. And #9... *'#9: Brian Griffin's House of Payne (2010; Season 8, Episode 15)' *'PhantomStrider:' The episode starts off pretty promisingly with Stewie fighting in a jet with Rupert in some very imaginative scenes. Sadly though, it immediately plunges into Brian being a pretentious jerk about his artwork. We then proceed to Stewie falling down the stairs and cracking his head open, literally. *'Peter Griffin: '''When you were babies, I used to knock you kids out every month or so. Sometimes by accident, sometimes when the Patriots lost. You just gotta cover it up and eventually it all works out. *'PhantomStrider: How? HOW!? How am I supposed to feel a shred of support or interest in Peter? *'Marty McFly (''Back to the Future Part III): 'He's an asshole! *'PhantomStrider: 'There's a nice side-plot with Brian turning his script into a shell-out sitcom. *'James Woods: 'With my chimp sidekick? ''audience laughs. *'''PhantomStrider: '''But it doesn't save... giving brain damage to an infant and then spending the episode covering it up. I just feel really dirty watching this episode. Why would a comedy remind me of parents that hurt their children? It makes the entire family out to be just... HORRIBLE human beings! This one is a definite choice for the list. #8... *#8: Screams of Silence (2011; Season 10, Episode 3)' *'Peter Griffin: Holy crap! *'Joe Swanson: '''Oh my God! He must have auto-erotically asphyxiated himself! *'PhantomStrider: 'This one is notorious for its discussion of Domestic Violence. And I was told it was a bad one, but I have to admit, I had mixed feelings about it. Basically, the episode is about Quagmire's sister (Brenda) and her domestically abusive husband (Jeff). At the beginning, it handles the episode with dignity, and it's not just an off-color joke. *'Quagmire (crying): 'I want the girl I grew up with back. I want... I-I want my sister back. Brenda, I love you. Please make the right decision. *'PhantomStrider: 'I actually really like some of the jokes in this one. Iraq lobster. To me, that's genuinely funny. *'Peter Griffin (singing): ''Death to America!'' *'PhantomStrider: '''Apologies for this joke to the people from Iraq. But the episode gets '''really' ugly in the second half, where our three heroes decide they should just kill off the husband in the woods! We then get some really... unpleasant and grotesque scenes in the woods including a strangling scene, and the entire thing getting covered up (One of the most uncomfortable scenes in Family Guy). *''attempts to strangle a badly beaten Quagmire to death with his bare hands.'' *'PhantomStrider: '''I do think this is one of the worst, but I also think people should watch this one. *runs over Jeff with the car.'' *'Quagmire: '''I choke myself every day, you bastard! *'PhantomStrider: #7... *#7: Vestigal Peter (2013; Season 12, Episode 2)' *'Little Peter:' Hi, everybody! *'Lois Griffin:' Ah! What the hell is that!? *'Peter Griffin: Oh my God! It's a little me! *'PhantomStrider: '''Normally, I give ''Family Guy ''a hard time for being crass, cruel, uncomfortable, painful to watch, or just plain mean-spirited. But this episode is just... stupid! Peter gets a talking growth on his neck that talks just like him — except in a voice so annoyingly high-pitched, it makes Jar-Jar Binks look sophisticated. *'Little Peter (singing): ''Michael row the boat ashore, Hallelujah! (My ears are burning...)'' *'PhantomStrider: '''The episode is just so impressively stupid! It's irritating, it's boring. It just keeps going on, and ON! *'Little Peter: Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! WOW!! *'Peter Griffin: '''Ugh! This is more painful than sitting through one of those parent-teacher cheater meetings. *'PhantomStrider: '''I challenge you to get through this entire episode. If you can stand to get through this episode more than once, you've better tolerance than me. And for #6... *#6: Seahorse Seashell Party (2011; Season 10, Episode 2)' *'PhantomStrider:' There's something to be said for keeping things simple, but this episode just didn't even 'try! *'Peter Griffin: '''I'm bored. *'PhantomStrider: 'It just feels like the writers got lazy. The entire 21 minutes is based within the Griffin house, watching the family '''bored '''during a storm. What could possibly be more boring for viewers than watching ''Family Guy ''crew do nothing? There is a side-plot of Brian having a psychotropic drug trip, but we get what basically seems like the animators just drawing whatever they feel like. *'Peter Griffin: 'I got an idea! How about you all sit there quietly while I make dad noises. making his "dad noises."'' *'PhantomStrider: '''This goes on for a solid 60 seconds. The only part I kind of enjoyed was the way Stewie is just such a solid friend to Brian, as he comforts him through his psychotropic drug trip all the way through. *'Brian Griffin: 'I think I'm dying! Jane Fonda. Is that... I-is-is that right? *'Stewie Griffin: 'Yeah, that's right, buddy. Totally Jane Fonda. It's gonna be okay. *'PhantomStrider: 'I just find something kind of beautiful about that. *continues his "dad noises".'' *'PhantomStrider: '''Oh, for Pete's sake! Do something! '''PLEASE!!! '''It's like they're just trying to kill time! I just don't understand why a multi-million dollar animated comedy series would do this! I'm not insulted or anything! I mean, there's no overbearing spitefulness or annoying commentary, but can they just do something? The only way to top this episode off is by dedicating the second half from time wasting to an unpleasant bickering between Meg and the family! While Meg has every right to be angry at her family, it's not exactly a pleasant way to watch the episode. You can watch this one, but I assure you, you won't be missing ''anything if you don't. *''[Peter 'still '''continuing his "dad noises".] *'''PhantomStrider: '''And for #5... *#5: April in Quohag (2010; Season 8, Episode 16)' *'PhantomStrider: Have you ever wondered how someone was going to act if they knew the world is going to end? Would they become rude, obnoxious, and completely nihilistic to their family and friends? Well, Peter already does! But apparently, he becomes even more heartless and cruel to his family now! Basically, news broadcasts make an April Fools about the world going to end. So Peter gives his family the middle finger and does whatever he wants, even more than usual. I sometimes feel like Seth is trying to make a commentary on something. But for the life of me, I can't figure out what! *'Peter Griffin: '''Y'know, this thing is bugging me. *pulls out his eyeball and jumps out the glass window.'' *'''PhantomStrider: People are horrible? Is that it? Peter then goes on to tell his children he wishes they were never around. And for "some reason", his family a little bit upset with him. Are we supposed to be feeling sorry for Peter at this point? This is a guy who openly states he beats his children as infants, gives them drugs, assaults his daughter, beats his wife, attacks random people and cares about nothing for anyone except himself! This guy deserves to be in jail! Not given a turnaround where he says sorry and the family likes him again! Which just happens like clockwork every episode. I find it really hard to stomach Peter in this one. *'Peter Griffin: '''Well, I guess if you can't earn your kids' respect, you can always buy it! *Griffin Family laughs it off.'' *'PhantomStrider: '#4... *'#4: Fresh Heir (2014; Season 12, Episode 14)' *'PhantomStrider: '''Probably the most awkward ''Family Guy ''episode I've ever seen. Carter leaves all the money to Chris, so Peter decides to marry his son. And poor Chris wants to spend time with his dad so much that he agrees to marry him. I knew the episode was gonna go this way and I was just pleading from the start. '''PLEEEASSE! Don't do this! '''Why go this route?! But they did, and it's just as awkward and creepy as it sounds. *'Peter Griffin: Chris, to express my love, I turn the words of the only poet that Blue Collar, New England scumbags like me know: Robert Frost. *'PhantomStrider: '''Maybe I'm not the target audience, but surely incest jokes is a '''small '''target audience. This one was just creepy and weird. UGH! Moving on! *'Joe's Son: 'No, dad! *'Joe Swanson: '''I don't know what normal is anymore. And #3... *#3: Brian Writes a Bestseller (2010; Season 9, Episode 6)' *'PhantomStrider: This episode's about, shock and surprise, Brian writing a best-seller. Brian just becomes ''SO'' unlikable in this episode that I '''HAD to include it! *'Brian Griffin: '''Not okay! Can you figure out what the problem is? *stammers.'' *'Brian Griffin: '''How do you think I feel walking out of the back room of a restaurant and watching Renée Zellweger... *'PhantomStrider: Fresh Heir'' might be about Peter marrying Chris, but at least there was a bit of a light-hearted tone to it. *''stabs Stewie in his back.'' *'PhantomStrider: '''Brian writes a book in the self-help market, and is given an excuse to be even more egocentric and nasty than usual. And that's basically the whole plot of the episode! There is a really good final live-action part with Bill Maher, where Brian is rightfully taken down a notch for his ego over his book. *'Bill Maher: No, no, no! Outside! Outside Now! barks while running away. *'PhantomStrider: '''But it just still didn't make up for how much I ''disliked Brian through it. I know Brian can be a good character; we all do! When he pairs up with Stewie, we get a collection of the best Family Guy ''episodes ever made! But when his character is given this... revolting persona, I begin missing our replacement friend Vinnie. *'Vinnie: '''Soon thereafter, a girl in the neighborhood married a Black guy, so we all kind of turned our attention to that. #2... *#2: Herpe, the Love Sore (2014; Season 12, Episode 16)' *'PhantomStrider: I mean, really. What can you expect from a title like that? Four words, and they've already gone into bad taste. Anyway, let's try and give it a fair look. We start the episode with Peter assaulting his children with a whip. Yeah, that's pretty standard awful for Peter. He attacks innocent women. Yeah, still standard Peter behavior. Brian gives Stewie herpes. Aaand there we go. You know a Family Guy ''episode is going to be ''BAD when it starts by making you physically sick (Turn your head for a second if you're easily made sick...)! Oh, the imagery for this one is just... Eugh! Revolting! For some reason, this episode just keeps showing us revolting imagery as though it's trying to gross its viewers out! I've never quite figured out how gross-out episodes do anything for a TV series except lose viewers! But... ''MAYBE ''people see something I don't in this? One viewing was all I could handle of this one, and barely that! I mean, I guess if you wanted to lose your appetite or make yourself throw up, it'd be good? But believe me, it isn't funny. As usual, Brian shows himself to be a dirtbag by knowingly giving everyone he dates herpes. Just an exceptionally gross and unpleasant episode. I ''don't ''recommend this one! And the #1 worst ''Family Guy ''episode of all time is... *#1: Brian's a Bad Father (2014; Season 12, Episode 11)' *'PhantomStrider: The entire episode is summed up in the four-word title. And that's what the entire episode is. Just... bitterness and uncomfortableness as we watch Brian being a deadbeat, manipulative father to his son, Dylan. And we also get another side-plot of Peter purposely shooting Quagmire and they become enemies. Why does he shoot Quagmire? I don't know; they never explain it! *'Peter Griffin: '''Now, this is a gun without a safety. ''shoots Quagmire in the arm. Quite the difference, huh? *'Marty McFly (''Back to the Future Part III): 'He's an asshole! *'PhantomStrider: '''I don't think any other episode better displays how selfish Brian can be, and how cruel and psychopathic Peter is! We spend the entire episode watching Peter be indifferent and just... ''HORRIBLE ''to Quagmire, while Brian tries to mooch off his son's fame! Which is just... cringingly pathetic to the viewer! Even the jokes in this one have this extra uncomfortable sting to them. I swear, this episode was just made to annoy people. And we finish the episode off by making fun of the mentally handicapped. It also contains, what I consider, the most horrible... "joke?"... I've ''ever''' heard! *'Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois. If I was gonna kill myself, do I slit my wrists this way, or this way? *'Meg Griffin (upstairs): '''Sideways for attention, longways for results. *'Lois Griffin: 'Meg is right. *'Peter Griffin: 'Okay, I'll be in the garage. *'PhantomStrider's Announcement *'PhantomStrider: '''Let me sweep in frankly for a second. Sorry to break the video with this live-action. If you ''ever feel suicidal thoughts, call this number in the U.S. (800-273-8255) and this number in the U.K. (+44(0) 8457 90 90 90). I've also attached other countries in the description. Sorry to show you this "joke." You deserve better. And with that out of the way, let's continue the review. *'The Review Continues' *'PhantomStrider: '''This one shows just how messed up our countries can be. Swear words get bleeped, but we can guide young people in how to slit their wrists! Nipples? Terrible. Suicide guides? A-Okay. I have ZERO respect for ''Family Guy ''after I saw this scene! What writer thought people would laugh at this? Did they even ''expect' people to laugh? Did they ''care? Pardon me for getting so serious about this, but this episode... just made me lose my sense of humor. I know Seth knows he appeals to a teen demographic. He says so himself. *'Teen Watching TV: ' That's a comment on us. *'''PhantomStrider: '''I don't know what mountain of ''SPITE, hate and anger this scene came from! But it represents the absolute worst of Family Guy! No exceptions! Nothing is given to the audience in this scene. Just pure judgement, spite, and hate! And that's why we have a winner! Brian's a Bad Father ''is '''the' worst Family Guy episode! No exceptions! *'The Conclusion' *'Krusty the Clown (from ''The Simpsons/''Family Guy'' Crossover Special):' And remember, kids. TV violence is fine as long as you don't show a nipple! ''then shoots Peter out of the cannon. *'PhantomStrider: '''On a lighter note, there ''were good episodes in later seasons of Family Guy, like Stewie & Brian. *'Brian Griffin: '''I love you, Stewie. *'Stewie Griffin: 'You give ''my life purpose. And maybe... maybe that's enough. *'PhantomStrider: '''And ''The Simpsons crossover was exceptional. *''and Kodos' spaceship crashes, then Peter and Homer tumble down the Springfield Gorge.'' *'PhantomStrider: '''And maybe that's what to take from this. For every crappy joke, there was a good snicker in there. Do you think I missed a key episode? Do you have a least favorite yourself? Let me know in the comments. As always, thanks for watching! And I'll see you next time! *'Comic Book Guy: '''Worst. Chicken Fight. Ever. Category:Transcripts Category:Modern Family Guy Category:Worst shows